


I am no Jedi.

by couronnedesfleurs



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types
Genre: Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Ahsoka Tano-centric, Angst, Angst and Feels, Betrayal, Gen, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27749650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/couronnedesfleurs/pseuds/couronnedesfleurs
Summary: ‘They’re asking you back, Ahsoka.’Her master’s voice was hesitant, but there was no hiding the happiness buried under a strong sense of relief. He held out her padawan braid.‘I’m asking you back.’Ahsoka stared at the tiny string of silka beads, so meagre in his broad gloved palm. She remembered how ecstatic she had been the day she’d acquired them, how proud. Full of hope and determination for the future, she had been itching to show what she was truly capable of and fulfilling her potential as a Jedi.Now, she felt nothing. The braid was no longer hers. It was hard to imagine that it ever had been.'The immediate aftermath of Ahsoka leaving the Jedi order.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano
Comments: 9
Kudos: 55





	I am no Jedi.

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who just watched the Season 5 finale of Clone Wars for the first time ever and is now an emotional wreck???
> 
> Enjoy <3

‘They’re asking you back, Ahsoka.’

Her master’s voice was hesitant, but there was no hiding the happiness buried under a strong sense of relief. He held out her padawan braid.

‘ _I’m_ asking you back.’

Ahsoka stared at the tiny string of silka beads, so meagre in his broad gloved palm. She remembered how ecstatic she had been the day she’d acquired them, how proud. Full of hope and determination for the future, she had been itching to show what she was truly capable of and fulfilling her potential as a Jedi.

Now, she felt nothing. The braid was no longer hers. It was hard to imagine that it ever had been.

She had ceased to be a Jedi the moment they plucked it from her head so viciously. Guilty or not, it made no difference. The fact they had believed her to be capable of such treason, of such cruelty, had rocked the foundations of everything she’d ever known.

She’d been raised here since she was an infant. Surely, they must have realised there was no evil or malice in her heart? It certainly would have reared its head by now, especially considering the challenges her master put her through daily. She had committed her entire life and devotion to the Force, but it wasn’t enough.

It would never be enough.

The faces she had once trusted so implicitly- Master Plo Koon, Master Windu, Master Yoda- stared back at her expectantly. They hadn’t even apologised. Not that it was in a Jedi’s nature to do so, but it _hurt._ It hurt that they would consider her so lacking in integrity, so blindly enthusiastic, to come happily skipping back to their side after all that had occurred.

She could not even bring herself to look at Obi-Wan.

In some way, his lack of faith stung the most. While he had always been the first to shake his head at Anakin and Ahsoka’s antics, he had also always remained fiercely loyal to his padawan- and his great padawan by extension. While he may not always have full conviction in their… _unusual_ methods, he would be the first to defend them when they something went (as it usually did) awry on their missions. She knew he had been changed by Satine’s death; but even this knowledge could not stop the waves of betrayal, of hurt, of _anger_ that roiled through her.

And with a gut-wrenching feeling, she knew. If she stayed, she would harbour resentment forever. She would not live out the rest of her life feeling like a charity case, like an unwilling martyr, like the sacrificial lamb that everyone had been all too happy to throw under the speeder. Whichever way she looked, the answer was clear. The path of a Jedi was not hers.

‘I’m sorry, Master. But I’m not coming back.’

They had not trusted her.

Now, she no longer valued their trust.

* * *

She should have known her master would not give up so easily. He was Anakin Skywalker, after all, and when had he _ever_ given up in his entire life?

‘Ahsoka, WAIT!’

His cry rang through the columns she retreated through, and she cursed herself for not taking an alternative exit. Perhaps a small injured part of her had _wanted_ him to follow her, needing reassurance from her master that he _cared,_ unlike the other Jedi. It was a foolish, childish sentiment, and she blinked away tears. She refused to cry like a youngling after everything that had happened.

‘Ahsoka, I need to talk to you!’

Knowing that he would pursue her all the way to Tatooine if that’s what it took to get her to listen, she stopped.

‘Why- why are you _doing_ this?’

He skidded to a halt in front of her, visibly out of breath. He clutched her beads in his hand, and her heart clenched.

‘The council didn’t trust me, so how can I trust myself?’

There was an edge to her tone, as though it should be obvious.

‘What about me? _I_ believed in you, I stood by you!’

His voice rose, confusion and anger bleeding their way into the Force. She tried to remain stoic. She would not give way to her emotions like her master.

‘I know you believe in me Anakin, and I’m grateful for that. But this isn’t about you. I can’t stay here any longer.’

She looked away.

‘Not now.’

Anakin’s brow furrowed in frustration.

‘The Jedi order is your life. You can’t just throw it away like this! Ahsoka, you are making a _mistake,_ one you’ll regret for the rest of your life!’

‘Maybe.’

She could tell her calm façade was aggravating him even further.

‘But I have to sort this out on my own. Without the council. Without you.’

She braced herself, expecting further argument. She was surprised when he let out a weary sigh.

‘I understand. More than you realise. I _understand_ wanting to walk away from the order.’

‘I know-’

She was interrupted by visions, conjured from Anakin’s mind into hers using the Force. Though the room was dim she could make out a much younger Anakin, padawan braid still in place, crying over the prone form of a woman with brown hair. Her eyes were unseeing as he sobbed into her chest with his arms wrapped around her, clutching tightly at something that had already gone. When he stilled, and lifted his head, she could not help the gasp that escaped her.

_His eyes._

She had seen her master at what she thought were his lowest points- the staged death of Obi-Wan sprang immediately to mind.

But _never_ had she seen his eyes so full of hatred.

She didn’t recognise him.

The vision hastily shifted, as though he was hiding something he didn’t want her to see. Now Anakin was sat on a plush sofa in a luxury Coruscant apartment, if the view out of the windows was anything to go by. But he wasn’t alone. Senator Amidala sat next to him, far too close to be considered polite. Their heads were bowed, noses almost touching. It was intimate in a way that spoke of many stolen moments spent like this, safe from the prying eyes of the Jedi and the senate.

Now, _this_ wasn’t a surprise. She wasn’t sure how her master had managed to avoid detection for so long, especially from his own eagle-eyed master, but it should be obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes that Senator Amidala and her master held great affection for each other. The kind of affection that a Jedi was not allowed to harbour. 

She watched as Anakin placed his hand over the senator’s stomach, and though the vision was silent, she didn’t need words to understand what was going on.

‘Why are you showing me this?’ she whispered.

‘To convince you that you’re not the only one who’s wanted to leave this all behind. I have felt darkness so great, I thought I’d never come back into the light. I have lost someone that meant everything to me. And now I have a family, Ahsoka. A wife, and a child on the way.’

_Wife??_

Before she could process this ground-breaking information, Anakin pressed on.

‘Everyday I battle with my choices. I know a day will soon come when I need to make my decision, one that I will not be able to come back from. But this is _not_ your day, Snips. You have so much left to do. You’re the most promising padawan at the Temple.’

He tried to pry open her hand, her braid swinging madly in his, and she shook him off.

‘Anakin, stop! It’s too late. I’ve made up my mind, and nothing you can say will make me change it-’

 _‘No._ I forbid you to go!’

She could see her own tiredness reflected in his wide eyes, the pallidness of his usually tan skin, the slump in his shoulders. He was covering it up as he always did, with anger and bravado, but she knew he was deeply hurt.

‘That isn’t your decision to make. I will always be your padawan, Anakin. But our paths are no longer the same. Perhaps it was always meant to be this way-’

‘That’s _crazy,_ are you hearing yourself?! I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t sure what Master Yoda was _thinking_ of when he paired us up, and I used to wish that you would request another master just so I wouldn’t have to deal with you any more-’

‘I’m not sure this is fulfilling the brief of convincing me to stay, Master,’ Ahsoka cut in dryly.

‘-but I soon realised I was wrong. It wasn’t you that was the problem; it was _me._ I was arrogant-’

She snorted, projecting her thoughts through the Force.

_‘Was’?_

He raised an eyebrow, though the corner of his mouth raised the tiniest bit.

_Now is not the time for jokes, Snips._

‘-and rash, and selfish. And you’re right, I’m probably still all of those things. But we’re better as a team, Ahsoka. I know it, and you know it, even if you won’t admit it to yourself. Screw the council. Who cares what they think? All you have to do is come back, and we can be as we were before-’

‘But that’s the _problem_ Anakin. Don’t you see? There is _no_ going back.’

She tugged at her montrals in frustration. 

‘I need to find myself again. I need to know who I _really_ am. Not Anakin Skywalker’s padawan, not Commander Tano, _me._ I gave _everything_ to the order. I signed over my life, and look where it got me.’

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. This happened several times before his blue eyes hardened.

‘So that’s it then? After everything we’ve been through, you’re going to leave me just like that? It seems so easy for you to do, maybe you’ve been planning it for some time,’ he said coldly. She knew better than to rise to the bait. He was hurt that she was leaving him, and his anger as always was his defense mechanism.

But she had had _a long day_.

‘You think this is _easy?!_ I’ve been _hunted_ and _terrorized_ and _imprisoned_ for something I didn’t do, then expected to act like it never happened! Do you know how humiliating it was to have to stand there in front of the senate, in front of the Chancellor, and watch as the people I pledged my life to turned their backs on me??’

Tears pricked at her eyes again unbidden and she stopped, horrified.

This was not how she wanted her master to remember her.

There was a long silence.

‘If you truly want to leave, then… I cannot stop you.’

There was an uncharacteristic softness to his voice that chased away any snarky reply waiting on her tongue.

She lowered her head in a sort of bow. It was ironic, given that she’d never given him the due deference she’d owed him when she was officially his apprentice. But she could not find it within her to laugh. 

‘I do, master. I know you don’t understand and I… I don’t expect you to. But I hope one day, you will realise this was the right decision. For both of us.’

She turned away, repressing the sob building in her throat, threatening to rise up and strangle her. Her steps were hurried, despite her best attempts to not look like she was running away.

_Only cowards run away._

‘Ahsoka?’

She froze, spine rigid. She dared not turn around. She knew if she saw his face again, his pleading eyes, her resolve would crumble.

_Please don’t ask me again. I can’t bear it._

‘I’ll never be sorry that Master Yoda assigned me to you.’

Something in her shifted, and she was suddenly weightless.

‘Neither will I.’

And with that, she walked away into an unknown future, leaving her past broken-hearted behind her on the steps of the temple.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahsoka is a Queen who deserved better and I will not be taking questions at this time. 
> 
> I might do another chapter from Anakin's POV if anyone's interested/when I'm not collapsing under my workload. 
> 
> Please comment to let me know your thoughts, they seriously make my day 💕
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> (You can follow me on [Tumblr](https://couronnedesfleurs.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/fleurscouronne) for writing updates and quality star wars memes).


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